Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Eastern Conference Preview

A few days ago we did a preview of the Western Conference.  We took that preview seriously basically because we know nothing about the Western Conference except for Detroit since their balls were in our face for about 2 season.  With the season starting tomorrow it's time to preview the Eastern Conference.  Don't expect the same seriousness in this preview because quite frankly every team in the east can lick our sack.

15th Ottawa Senators
Last season the Senators finished 13th.

There are oh so many words that can describe the current state of the Senators right now.  We'll keep it simple.  The Senators fucking suck.  Their defense is horrible, no clue who is going to play goalie for this team, and their "star players" are like 895207482365 years old.  This team may not win a game all season.

14th New York Islanders
Last season finish 14th

Our good friends the New York Islander.  The only thing keeping these jokes from finishing 15th is the simple fact that the Senators are in the East.  The Islanders have John Tavares and that's about it.  Rick DiPietro and his glass jaw are still around and that makes us happy.  Although we are kind of disappointed that they didn't resign Alexi Yashin.

13th Winnipeg Jets
What a bizarre logo

Last season finish as the Atlanta Thrashers 12th

In the off season the NHL moved the Atlanta Thrashers and put a team back in Winnipeg.  Last season the Jets (as the Thrashers) started off the season hot and at one point were leading the division.  That soon faded and they slipped all the way to 12th.  They didn't really add anyone in the off season so we think they'll finish around were they were last season.  Plus the last goal scored against this team was by Mike freakin Comrie.  Can't wait til this team finished 13th and everyone jumps off the bandwagon.  If they do a J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets chant I'm kicking a small rodent.

12th Toronto Maple Leafs
Last Season finish 10th.

The Leafs have one of the most annoying teams and quite possibly one of the most annoying fan bases in the NHL.  Every year all you hear out of Toronto is "This is the year", and "The Leafs are back".  But every year the team decides to suck and we love it.  This year is nothing but the same.  They didn't add much during the off season so they'll be just as bad as last season.  These are also the fans that think James Reimer is a legitimate NHL goalie.  They have some good forwards who can score but their defense and their goal tending is atrocious.  Kind of surprised Brian Burke hasn't trade 7 draft picks for Phil Kessel's brother yet.  Guarantee their fans are already trying to plan parade routes for when they win the cup.  Jokes.

11th Carolina Hurricanes
Last season finish 9th.

No clue how Carolina finished 9th last season.  No way that happens again this season.  Their defense isn't anything special but their offense is always solid.  Eric Staal is gonna lead this team and if they want any chance of making the playoffs hes going to need to score a million goals.  They brought in Alexi Ponikarovsky and Tomas Kaberle in the off season.  Ponikarovsky sucks and the only reason Kaberle looked like a legitimate defenseman at the end of last season was because he was playing in Boston and had help.  Another reason they'll finish 11th, Cam Ward still hasn't recovered from this:


10th Florida Panthers
Last season finish 15th

Florida was definitely the worst team in the East last season but they were still a pain in the ass to play against.  This off season they added a bunch of players that are going to make this team an even bigger pain to play against.  We feel they'll make the biggest leap in terms of finish from last season.  They added Sean God damn Bergenheim, who's probably gonna score 100 goals against the Pens this season, Matt Bradley, Tomas Fleischmann, Marcel Goc, Tomas Kopecky, Jack Skille, Scottie Upshall, Kris Versteeg, and shored up their defense with Brian Campbell and Ed Jovanovski.  The also replace Tomas Vokoun with Jose Theodore.  The only thing that might let the Panthers down this year is all around consistency. 

9th Philadelphia Flyers
Last season finish 2nd.

Yes we are picking the Flyers to miss the playoffs.  They solved one of their problems that has been a thorn in this teams side for years, goal tending.  They brought in Ilya Bryzgalov in the off season to solve their goal tending problem but it cam at the cost of losing one of their strengths from previous seasons.  That strength was scoring depth.  Mike Richards was shipped to LA and Jeff Carter was shipped to Columbus.  Those 2 players made up 48% of Philly's scoring last season.  In return for Richards they got Wayne Simmonds and Bradyen Schenn and in exchange for Jeff Carter they got Jakub Voracek.  Voracek sucks, Schenn barely has any NHL experience, and Wayne Simmonds is to worried about calling Sean Avery a faggot to worry about playing hockey.  They also sign Jamior Jagr and Max Talbot.  Good luck with those 2 jokes.  Bryzgalov sucks in big games too.  Look what Detroit did to him the last 2 seasons.  People also seem to think theis teams defense is the greatest thing since sliced bread.  News flash, its not.  Guarantee half their defense gets hurt by mid season and when Chris Pronger is on the ice its like skating around a traffic cone.

8th New Jersey Devils
Last season finish 11th

The Devils started out last season as one of the worst teams in the league.  Dues to salary cap issues and injuries they were playing some of their early games with 9 forwards instead of 12.  But near the end of the season the Devils were definitely one of the better teams which is why we think they'll be back in the playoffs this season.  The have a solid defense and some good forwards and you can't forget about Martin Brodeur.  Plus they play that boring ass trap game which can shut down even the most talented teams.

7th Buffalo Sabres

Last season finish 7th

Buffalo finished 7th last season and we think they'll finish there again.  The have some depth at forward but their defense has let them down in the past.  The added Christian Erhoff im the off season but after that the have a bunch of people who would be number 6 defensemen on almost every other team in the league.  Ryan Miller is emo and other than the 2010 Olympics sucks in big game situations.


6th Montreal Canadiens
Last season finish 6th

Speaking of annoying teams and annoying fans we have the Montreal Canadiens.  The Habs fans seem to feel obligated that every call should go their way.  Definitely one of the most annoying teams to play.  EVER.  Never heard as fan base complain so much in my entire life.  As far as their team goes they aren't half bad.  They have a solid defense and some people that can score and when Carey Price isn;t crying about something or making gay poses after making a save in a shoot out hes sometimes a decent goalie.  Is it a coincidence their logo looks like a toilet seat?  

5th Tampa Bay Lightning
What a dumb logo

Last season finish 5th

Tampa was one of the most dangerous teams in the league last season.  Their offense is one of the most scary in the league even after losing Simon Gagne to LA.  Stamkos is gonna put up big numbers again this season.  Their defense however isn't anything to write home about.  After Victor Hedman who isn't even that good the Lightning don't have much.  Definitely don't think Dwayne Roloson can match what he did last season.


Dick

4th New York Rangers
Last season finish 8th

Last season the Rangers squeaked into the playoff but had an early exit at the hands of the Capitals.  They added Brad Richards in the off season giving this team one of the better group of forwards in the NHL.  Their defense is probably the achilles heel of this team.  Marc Staal is having post concussion symptoms and its unclear how long he'll be out.  Can't wait til Brandon Dubinsky cries about something again this season.

3rd Boston Bruins
Last season finish 3rd

Last season the Bruins got hot at the right time and won the Stanley Cup.  They are one of the deepest teams in the NHL at every position.  Their forwards are always solid and they are one of the few teams in the NHL that has a goalie that could be a number 1 on any team.  Their downfall in their cup defense may be defensive consistency. 

2nd Pittsburgh Penguins
Last season finish 4th

The Pens probably had one of the most unlucky seasons in recent memory last season.  It was even worse than the high ankle sprain epidemic of the 07-08 season.  Losing Crosby and Malkin is the worst possible thing that could happen to this team and last year it did.  Every year we always find ourselves saying,"Man, imagine how good this team could be if they stayed healthy."  And that's the case again this year.  Evgeni Malkin is coming off of a knee injury and is as motivated as ever.  Guarantee he score over 120 points this season.  Some time this season Sidney Crosby is going to come back from his concussion and when he does the Penguins are going to have an unreal top 6.  With Sidney Crosby, Chris Kunitz, Evgeni Malkin, Tyler Kennedy, James Neal finally getting a full season under his belt and the addition of Steve Sullivan this team is going to score some goals.  The Pens also have one of the strongest defense's in the NHL.  With the top 4 of Kris Letang, Brooks Orpik, Paul Martin, and Zbynek Michalek, and the rotating 5 and 6 of Matt Niskanen, Deryk Engelland, and Ben Lovejoy, plus the prospects in the minors and Juniors the Pens defense is set for a while.  It also help to have that Marc Andre Fleury guy between the pipes.

1st Washington Capitals


Last season finish 1st

Oh those Washington Capitals.  The team the "experts" pick ever year to win the cup and the team that every year chokes on its own sack in the 2nd round.  The team that compared winning the Winter Classic to winning the Stanley Cup, and the team that gets a boner over winning the Presidents Trophy.  The Caps are always a regular season juggernaut, but when the playoffs come around and you have to play real hockey, they can't do it.  The Caps are scary good offensively there's no doubt about that.  With Ovechkin, Semin, and Backstrom plus some of the players in the off season this team will put up some number.  Their downfall in the past and what will continues to be their downfall is their defense.  The Caps defensemen are mostly offensive minded.  That's good to have until some team is coming back on you 3 on 1.  The Caps added Tomas Vokoun in the off season but that's not going to matter when someone is coming down 3 on 1 on you. As long as the Caps have Ovechkin as captain, who's more worried about celebrating a goal in October like its game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, Bruce Boudreu as coach, who is more worried about dropping F bombs then teaching his team how to play defensive hockey, and Mike Green on defense who is more worried about riding his vespa around and blocking people on twitter than he is about stopping people on the ice, this team will never get a whiff of the Stanley Cup.

Well there you have it, our Eastern Conference preview.

The puck drops in like 3 minutes

Get your mind right

Go Pens

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